They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
