just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
