The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
