Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
