Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Randomize
