I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
