Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
