i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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