wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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