apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm gonna fight the coyote
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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