i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
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Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
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I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...