I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
