I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
