Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
they need to just BURY HIM!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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