I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Randomize
