I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
