Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
