I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
