Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Randomize
