My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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