I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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