I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize