the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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