Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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