Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
