also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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