Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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