Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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