dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
