I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
