It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
