Apparently you make a good broom.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Houston, we have a blender
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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