you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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