thus making me awesome and them whores
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
