don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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