how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
