Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
