Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
