I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
