I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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