piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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