What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
