I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
