So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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