I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
