You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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