What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
