i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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