apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I checked into jail on foursquare
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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