He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
