promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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