i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
