Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
It's rum buckets o'clock
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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