i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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