yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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