It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Randomize
