guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
