Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
