Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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