I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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